GRATITUDE.....

Happy New Year! I know..I know…it’s been a while since I have written. Unfortunately, I felt I had  nothing to write about. Same old issues… My Saudi students remain Saudi Students. Where is my life going? I never get what I want when I want it… I want to be a millionaire…Why am I not Secretary of State…and the list goes on.

Then all of a sudden it was December.  Remember I am in Saudi Arabia and they don’t “do” Christmas in Saudi.  No music, no decorations and no warm fuzzy holiday feelings. And to top it all off, with December 25^th looming 25 people, the majority being children under 10, were  murdered in Connecticut. After that tragedy, and the constraints of end of semester obligations, I fell into deep despair.

Christmas came and went, (yes I worked on Christmas day) but there were highlights. One of my co-workers gave me a candy cane and that made all the difference in the world. Thanks Sarah!

New Year’s, which is my favorite holiday, disappointed me. I was disappointed in myself more so than the Holiday. For some reason I couldn't get into the swing of my annual New Year’s traditions…cleaning house (both literally and figuratively)…making specific goals… having the strong drive and determinations to make those goals/dreams come true…and getting together with like minded individuals for a low-key  but inspiring time. I think cried. If I didn't, I really wanted to.

During the first week of the New  Year I found out that a very good friend’s mom passed away. I was sad because I couldn't be there for him. Sometimes when you’re dealing with tragedy having an intimate friend close by is like getting a candy cane in Saudi Arabia on Christmas day. It makes all the difference in the world.

Also during the first week of 2013, the same feelings of “I’m not where I want to be in my life" kept popping up. This frustrated me. The more frustrated I became, the more I lost my focus. The more I lost my focus, the more frustrated I became. Sound familiar?

Then suddenly a remark made after a confrontation I had with one of the other teachers woke me up. I found the remark very insulting, but after deep contemplation embroiled with humiliation and pain, I realized that the person who made the remark (not the teacher I had the conflict with) was telling me how she saw the world…irrespective of whether the comment was true or not. In other words, her remarks didn't matter, first because they were not true and second because she was expressing her own insecurities irrespective of what was really true. For the first time in weeks, I felt liberated.  I felt liberated  because I had been chanting to attract persons of intelligence, integrity, strong character into my life, and I realized that this person and some of my other cohorts were the complete antithesis of this. If anything their negativity, immaturity, selfishness and lack of drive to create miraculous things in their lives was consuming me and thus all I did was focus on the negative, the past and  the "what isn't" when I was with them.  It was never about going forward and succeeding. It was always about obstacles and what should be. Please congratulate me! I had the great fortune of removing myself from that situation yesterday. I removed myself, not because of them, but because of me.  I had to back-off because I lost my focus when I was with them. My energy became scattered and thus all dreams and plans became tenuous. Nothing was real anymore. Everything became a “maybe" or “what if”?

I’m feeling much better now. I can hear myself think, and I am beginning to connect with my heart again in order to follow the correct path to fulfill  my mission.

Once I became myself again, (today) I was consumed with gratitude. Gratitude that I didn't have previously because I was focusing on the “what isn't”.

What I am grateful for?…I am grateful for my friends. My true friends. The ones who understand me. The ones who respect me and the ones that don’t judge me. I am grateful that I am a well educated woman. Many women world-wide covet my knowledge and my skills and as such I should not take them for granted. I am grateful for my family and other people who love me unconditionally. I am grateful that although, my journey has been slow and sometimes marred with obstacles, that I am making my dreams come true.  I am grateful that I am starting to seriously take my well-being into consideration. Last, I am grateful for having had the opportunity to live and work in Saudi Arabia.  Not many people, especially women last here, but my year is almost over and I have definitely made strides in my  career, personal development and my relationships with others. I've become more tolerant and have affirmed that my well-being (physical, financial, etc.), being true to myself and to my dreams are the best gifts that I can give myself.

Until next time,

Alex